so, i go from not being abe to sleep, to emmense amounts of crazy intense, vivid dreams! i have had at least three separate vivid dreams within the last week. one: has been about a christmas journey. this dream consists of benign x-mas related things; finding and cutting down a tree, doing the normal x-mas thing, garlands, ornaments, that wierd box that no one remembers packing, but has somehow ended up in the obligatory "X-MAS 04" box scrawled in sharpie, that you haven't seen for years. the odd box, with the strange ornament that you made in fourth grade, (by today's standards, would have landed you squarely in special ed) kind of ornament. You smell that rank, cotton ball-ey should have been thrown-out-with-the-rotten-trash-kind-of-smell. AHHH, that's X-mass kind of smell. So, getting back on track, i have been having those kind of dreams... i dreamt that it was my high school reunion. one of our activities was going to a cirque du soleil show. while there i saw rachael brown, who i have't thought about years, there. we talked, like any strange happening, and went on our ways; upon reflection, i think my interpritation of the dream is more important than the dream itself.
Next i had a "stranded in a car over-night" dream about one of my male friends. it was very vivid. we were caught in a snow storm. supplies were limited. we could not afford to waste gas on heat so we had to provide our own! his scruffly face pressed to my bossom was not enough to satify the urge that lurked within... you can use your imagination to fill in the rest, sufficit to say i need to get back to the easel! all of this energy should be better weell spent!

some things come from nothing

i have had a better time sleeping, my dreams have been very odd though. i had a zombie dream the other night. my family and i were trapped in a gas station. we sent out a beacon, and some of my friends arrived, the gas station turned into a big house, kind of like a model home, well, someone drove a van through the house, and our safety was compromised, so we had to run. we had a pretty good group, and we left in a caravan of sorts. we drove to a hotel with a parking garage, and what seemed to be a bunch of freeway on-ramps that lead to the hotel. it had a large plot of land behind it, on a sort of bluff, or cliff. my friends, who recently got married in real life, had not gotten married yet, and "today" was their wedding day, so in a strange frantic ceremony, we had to have their wedding on this bluff before the zombies got us... it gets kind of fuzzy after that. the next night i had a bunch of strange dreams in which i had missing limbs. i wasn't scared, or upset by these dreams, in fact they were interesting and warrant reflection. i started a new piece, pastels and i cut my hair. i still have this unsettled feeling, and i am in a way happy that this year is nearly over. it has been memorable, that's for sure. challenging. i like my new piece, it's very calm though, not at all reflecting my state of mind right now. i have found that if i am calm, my work is loud and kind of disturbing, but if i am restless, my work is collected. odd. it is pretty balanced though i guess.

sleep aids

been having trouble sleeping lately... not really sure why. i have embarked on a new chapter in my artistic career, and it is very interesting, time comsuming but exciting. i have started making greeting cards with prints of my work. it is going well and i like the quality. i really like to branch out and this is a new venture for me. i don't really know anyone else in my position, so i am kind of learning as i go. i have not been working on anything new in a number of months, it feels strange, but i have been so focused on the business aspect that it hasn't been as bad as when i have taken a break before. i went out to vegas earlier this month and made a lot of progress. i really liked the artists i met, and i feel confident about setting up shop for the first fridays. it is going to take a lot of work, which i am up for, however, i still have this nagging feeling of waiting. i want to be there now, because i feel that the distance and solitary lifestyle will really help. the seclusion is something i have thought about a lot. i will be away from family, friends, familiar places and routines, all of which i am fine with. being away from jon, my husband, is what i have had trouble with. i think it will be productive, but i don't know what i will feel after a month, or two. i have never had a problem with independence, i know i will be fine, i have never been great with change though. my work is constantly changing, getting better and evolving so i'm sure this will change it again. so i've been having trouble sleeping.

healing

so i felt better today, i am working on a new piece, it follows the sunflower/ galaxy work, some examples of this are at http://CaitlinGPadilla.imagekind.com/, if anyone reads this and is curious. i talked to my friends about forgiveness and healing. i think those are important. i can only learn if i can forgive myself, anyway... moving on

The human condition

So this is my blog, sending this out into the great unknown... I have a strange feeling, this is a diary, something personal of mine for everyone else. I am an artist, and my personal thoughts have been out for the world to see for some time now, but never as concrete as a written account. the term "the human condition" is never used to describe something positive, it is only when we have shown our flawed humanity that we label it a condition. why? i have been having a difficult time, i have lost myself. i don't come from a broken home, or a tortured past, all of the torturing has come from myself. my art has always served as a way for me to communicate, to connect, to be something. i don't know what it means, but i am on this journey to find out. i have been in denial, of myself, of what it means to be me. i have let my life run on auto pilot, and i don't like where it has gone. i am ready, and my art has helped my figure out what i am ready for. this is beginning to sound trite, i don't know, maybe i should think of this really as my diary. i have kept diaries throughout my life, but somehow this feels like a soapbox. i find it hard to come right out and say what i feel. my thoughts become so jumbled when i try to write them down. i feel much more free when i paint or draw, the thoughts come into focus and i am articulate. when i create all of the bullshit stops, and for that time when i am lost in the work i am more myself than any other time. i have just graduated from college, after spending nine years on and off, but i don't feel any more accomplished. i feel lost, like all of the sudden i got off a plane in a foreign country with no knowledge of culture or language or even a map. how am i so unprepared? the only thing i know how to do is make art.