so we are now five days from the election. i am so drained, between political rants and heated debates with vurtually everyone i know, non-stop watching every political pundit on every cable channel, reading and re-reading every tangential piece of political op-ed, youtube video and blog i can find, my brain has shut off. it is like cramming for a final, after a while i just can't retain any new info. i love this country and i am so happy that everyone has become so involved, that we have such a charged debate raging across this land hopefully all in pursuit of a better future. it is so important that we continue to pusue our greatest potential. i see what is happening on a large scale and it really does make me excited. i think our awareness is growing, i hope. personally though, the microcosm that is my life seems, i dont know, small. i look at the way everyone's live intertwine and merge, and i wonder what my place is. i have a harder time making descisions. i am a very descisive person, and i have an opinion about everything, but i can't seem to get enough steam to really take off. something holds me back...it's most likely myself. i just feel blah when it comes to my personal choices. what to eat, what to watch if i watch anything, where to go, if i should go out. if i'm alone do my choices count? ofcourse they do, but who does it affect other than me? why can't i stick to a work out routine? i am all over the place. i don;t think i know how to be alone. i want to be happy by myself, but if no one is around i have no one to connect with. i'm not saying i don't like being alone, but i really enjoy others. essentially does what i do matter? i see things in the future: house, yard, kids, studio, but i never know how to get there. these things don't just happen, you have to make them happen. if you are taking a test and you get done before everyone else, you sit and wait until it's time to move on to the next section. you look around, out the window, start doodling, daydreaming, and before you know it everyone else is halfway through the next section. do you hurriedly get though to catch-up? i don't know, life isn't a test, but sometimes it feels that way. travel abroad...check. find a spouse..check. get a degree...check. grow up...check. now i'm supposed to get a job, buy a house, have a baby, get a 401k, stop smoking, lose weight, get rich, have more babies, retire, and die. i hate it. i know there is no 'supposed to' but it is incredibly hard to believe that when so much of what we're told is in opposition of that. why can't the point be just to be happy? and if that is the point, why is it so hard? i just want to make art that people like and that says something. i just want to have enough money to be comfortable. i just want to love and be loved.
i want, like this country, to reach my potential.
2 days ago