Spring Time For Hitler, and Germany...

I have come out of hibernation! we have a new president! and i fell great! even though the econome is in the shitter, i am optomistic! i left a child (my art gallery) it was an ugly break-up, but i have moved on, and have gone out on my own again to beat down the world of galleries! So, spring is upon us! so many things going on, new job, break-ups, connections etc. I find it hard to keep things in perspective. I am in a transitional moment and all i can think of is the result. i have been having dreams about our house...well soon to be house, well the idea of the house that we haven't seriously started looking for because we are "saving the down payment and the "buffer" six month expenses 'just in case' fund and i don't want to fall in love with a place we can't afford or is sold out from under us"- house. but i keep having dreams about gardening, and decorating and building a studio, and having PARTIES! God i love parties, i am the best hostess! i love to socialize and have people in my home, i can't wait to be able to have people over again!

so...fuck it. i am sick of power hungry, petty, controlling, venomous assholes. i have poured my heart and soul into something and these thieves have no regard for anyone other than themselves. if others choose not to see the conniving tactics, then i just feel sorry for them. i hate being misunderstood. i hate being the bad guy, but what can i do? i can just be honest. it sickens me whrn people try to intimidate others, to throw their weight around and use fear to get what they want. who the #^$% do they think they are?!?!



we no more, i will not surround myself with that kind of negativity. i have spent so much time compromising and giving in to others demands and ideas, and im done

October Suprise

so we are now five days from the election. i am so drained, between political rants and heated debates with vurtually everyone i know, non-stop watching every political pundit on every cable channel, reading and re-reading every tangential piece of political op-ed, youtube video and blog i can find, my brain has shut off. it is like cramming for a final, after a while i just can't retain any new info. i love this country and i am so happy that everyone has become so involved, that we have such a charged debate raging across this land hopefully all in pursuit of a better future. it is so important that we continue to pusue our greatest potential. i see what is happening on a large scale and it really does make me excited. i think our awareness is growing, i hope. personally though, the microcosm that is my life seems, i dont know, small. i look at the way everyone's live intertwine and merge, and i wonder what my place is. i have a harder time making descisions. i am a very descisive person, and i have an opinion about everything, but i can't seem to get enough steam to really take off. something holds me back...it's most likely myself. i just feel blah when it comes to my personal choices. what to eat, what to watch if i watch anything, where to go, if i should go out. if i'm alone do my choices count? ofcourse they do, but who does it affect other than me? why can't i stick to a work out routine? i am all over the place. i don;t think i know how to be alone. i want to be happy by myself, but if no one is around i have no one to connect with. i'm not saying i don't like being alone, but i really enjoy others. essentially does what i do matter? i see things in the future: house, yard, kids, studio, but i never know how to get there. these things don't just happen, you have to make them happen. if you are taking a test and you get done before everyone else, you sit and wait until it's time to move on to the next section. you look around, out the window, start doodling, daydreaming, and before you know it everyone else is halfway through the next section. do you hurriedly get though to catch-up? i don't know, life isn't a test, but sometimes it feels that way. travel abroad...check. find a spouse..check. get a degree...check. grow up...check. now i'm supposed to get a job, buy a house, have a baby, get a 401k, stop smoking, lose weight, get rich, have more babies, retire, and die. i hate it. i know there is no 'supposed to' but it is incredibly hard to believe that when so much of what we're told is in opposition of that. why can't the point be just to be happy? and if that is the point, why is it so hard? i just want to make art that people like and that says something. i just want to have enough money to be comfortable. i just want to love and be loved.
i want, like this country, to reach my potential.

summer is upon us

so, the thought occured to me that no matter how far i have come, or think i've come, there is so much more out there. every once in a while something will happen that shakes you to your core. sometimes it will be something sudden, or a series of sudden events. sometimes it can be a slow build giving you false enlightenment, then humbling you immediately after. i feel like i am on an edge, and i can't see what's on the other side. i need to release my inhibitions and worries and just go with my gut. i think it is difficult to reconsile my heart and my head sometimes. it is always better when i have an outlet. inevitably these shifts mark a huge change in my life. the prospects for buying a house, and having a studio are looking up. if all of us can get through this change that is beginning. we do live in interesting times, if nothing else. the simultanious level of awareness and ignorance in the world right now is staggering. my confidence has been shot as of late. i think self absorbtion is to blame, once my neuroses are triggered, without an outlet, i unravel. it really is quite a catharsis, the build and release. ultimately i do it to myself, but i supppose i enjoy it ;) the changing of the seasons always brings change in life, i find myself in a very important moment, and that being a part of what is going on in the world, is very significant. i think we have to make some very difficult descisions, as a nation, and i find myself for the first time wanting to be partiotic. i want to be proud of our country and be a positive influence on it. well, that was a lot i had to get out... i always have to remind myself, "just paint what you like", if i did that from the begining i wouldn't have to go through this everytime. i think i know what my next series will be... sweet

head in the clouds, feet on the ground

well, about a month ago my husband and i went out to europe for two weeks to see my brother who is studying in rome. my parents went a week before us and we met them there, they left and my sister and her husband joined us. it was absolutely amazing! we were in rome for 9 days, then we took a night train to bern switzerland where we took a day trip to gruyere to see the giger museum, then to amsterdam for two days! it was a whirlwind tour, and the last few days are kind of a blur, but my god was it fabulous! we saw so much, the city of rome is beautiful, there were buildings over 2000 years old next to a night club. everything was a lot closer together and smaller. the streets were like alleys, and the cars were tiny. i miss it already, and coming back the bigest "culture shock" is how far away everything is from itself. i really miss living in a city where you can walk anywhere you need to go. i still haven't sifted through all the information. i have gotten a new sense of motivation though, and i like that. i have joined a new non-profit called the wooden cow, and i am very excited about it. it looks like we are going to be a major part of the community. i feel good, and i want to make a difference. i think i am finally a part of groups that are going to make something happen!

should i stay, or should i go...

i have always been a social person. i was the girl who would make it a personal goal to introduce myself to every person at a function, and i do mean every person. so i find it kind of odd that i have opted to stay home and watch jane goodall, or bones instead of joining my friends for libations. it's not that i don't want to see them, i just can't muster enthusiasm to be around others. i suppose i have had to learn to like my own company since my hubby has been in and out for weeks at a time, but i have always used that time as a way to hang out just with friends. i miss the light-hearted hang-outs of yore. we used to just be able to get together, drink, laugh, now it always feels strained. everyone with their busy lives. i was told that i can be too clingy, and that sort of thing sticks with you, however, now that i have let go there is no one out there to let go of. i dunno, i miss having a regular group. i ahve wasted too much time and energy trying to be friends with people who don't return the favor, i want my friends to like me and like spending time with me, i surely do them. eh, fuck 'em.

money money money

so i had a show last night at La Iglesia, the new building we are using for the Albuquerque Arts Consortium. The AAC is a non profit organization i have become involved with whos goal is to offer arts education to the albq community at low to no cost. We are just getting off the ground and this party/show last night was a way to introduce us to the community. I sold two pieces! it was great, i was not expecting it, my show will be up for a month, so i thought it would take a while to generate business, but this was awesome! i feel great, a little elated and it is always kinda sad to see a piece go... but what am i trying to do here!? anyway i just feel great about it and it is giving me a renewed sense of acomplishment; and motivation.