Christmas and Chanukah have come and gone, Kwanza has begun and we are in the week before a new year begins. This is always a strange week. a week filled with elation, relaxation, bittersweet goodbyes and, for some, a sense of urgency or hurry to complete goals set from the previous year.
It is also a week of reflection. This year is coming to a close, and it gives me pause. Pause to cypher through everything that has happened and come to terms with my feelings about it all. In the hectic month leading up to Christmas, it is easy to get caught up in all of the crap. The family, the shopping, the cleaning, cooking, decorating, etc. We have gone through major home renovations, and finishing it all blended right into the holiday frenzy, making the time compact and still not have any release or relaxation.
I have my studio, and it is wonderful. I just haven't had time to use it. Creative production is a strange thing. I try to explain it to people, and they never really understand. It comes in bursts. I cannot force it. Maybe it is just me, maybe other artists can turn it on and off, like a switch, and can produce amazing work on cue. Maybe I am lazy, and have no work ethic (though I know that isn't true). My best work comes from an emotional place, not a cerebral one. I genuinely have to "feel" like making art. If I try to force it, it comes out crappy (or at least I think its crappy) and I don't like it. I resent it. It feels like work, and I never want my passion to feel like work. I have gotten more comfortable with trying to at least set aside some time each day to work on some aspect of my art. I can go through and adjust my online store, make prints, or work on a piece. There are so many aspects of it all, twitter, Facebook, Redbubble, DeviantArt, blog. I have to keep it all updated and get myself out there. It is a lot, but I know it is what I want, and am going to get. It just won't happen over night.
I have gone through a lot this year, and I have learned to be more comfortable with change and letting go of control. I can control what I do with my art. What direction I take it, making it a legit business and truly becoming a working artist. I cannot control how and if people will react or interact with it. The fear of rejection and failure have long been the thing that has held me back. It is the thing that has stopped me from even trying sometimes. Because, if I don't try, I can't fail. I know this is bullshit, but it somehow sounds logical in my mind.
Enough. If I got through this year, with everything that has happened and everything changing, then I can certainly get a business license and sell my wares in a booth. I can get a portfolio together (something I've done many times before) and send it to the heads of film art departments. I resolve to make this year a business boom! I will sell work, get commissions, create a viable business and my work will be featured in a move, Goddammit! Resolution: check! Come at me 2016!
for the weekend
57 minutes ago