Skulls and Memories

 "Betty"

                                                                                                                                                             "Rita"

   





"Whirlpool Galaxy"













This summer I have finished six pieces and am working on three more.  I finally finished a piece I started three years ago, and did a very personal and cathartic self-portrait.  Now I have started two different series, the Pin-up girls who are simultaneously sexy, nostalgic and a little frightening and a few dealing with the concept of macro/micro and timeless.
          I am finding it hard  to NOT paint. My mind wanders and I feel most at peace when creating.  I think about my youth and listen to music.  I can recall exactly what I was doing and how I felt when I first heard a song. Some memory or feeling a decade old will come flooding back.  I love music. I relate music to people a lot of the time. Metallica and The Scorpions remind me of Jon, my husband. Actually, a lot of music does. The summer we got together, now almost two decades ago. The Beatles remind me of middle school and my friends "Barney" and Jessica.  We used to listen to the LPs and try to find hidden messages. And then Celerah and existential conversations well into the wee hours.  James Brown makes me think of Derek and his huge JNCOs, we would drive around in his white cruiser he would talk about Arizona. I think about clubbing in Denver and listening to Fatboy Slim.

These moments flood over me, like I am watching a movie of my life. "Paradise Circus" by Massive Attack makes me think of my friend Ben, and hanging out cooking.  I think of snippets and smells, what I was feeling and a something I shared with someone else. "Hotel California" brings back images of my twenty year friendship with Brynn, and how much we have grown up together. And, of course, Led Zeppelin is my mom.  Movies too. Edward Scissorhands, Clue, Ghostbusters, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Beetlejuice all take me back to my childhood and my sister and brother.
           It is amazing to me how much of what is happening in popular culture shapes who you are.  I just watched Baz Luhrmann's Romeo And Juliet and I am instantly transported to 1996 and high school shenanigans.














 "Blue Whale"

  The largest creature ever to live o Earth.



Time is a strange thing, it is something that has puzzled humanity for centuries. We are constantly trying to stop it, reverse it, travel forwards and backwards. Leap and travel through some indescribable void. To see beyond ourselves or recapture a moment. That is what makes art so beautiful.  Art is time travel.  That feeling, that memory takes you back in time. Looking at a galaxy five hundred thousand lightyears away is looking back in time. I work to create a frozen moment, capture a feeling or a thought.
                I think that is why music, film, painting etc. are so important and wonderful. We can time travel in the comfort of our own homes, in our cars, museums and movie theaters.

Shakespeare is timeless, by the way.

                     

Giant Heads and Octopi

       First of all, here is this:

More on that in a moment.

          This summer has been a cleansing breath of fresh air. Not only have we been getting a record amount of rain, but I feel like I can breathe for the first time in a long while. I quit my job teaching with public school. It was figuratively sucking my soul.  I know it was the right decision, and I feel a sense of freedom. I weep for the future though. I'm going to go off on a tangent here, but bare with me.
         
          The state of public education in this country is at a breaking point and I don't want to be there when the shit goes down.  The system is pure merde and I hate saying it, but I know it's going to have to FAIL before it gets better. Parents need to be more involved, take on responsibility and quit blaming teachers. Teachers worth should not be contingent on test scores and canned curriculum. We NEED to bring back art, music, shop class, dance and at least half an hour of recess every day! We need yoga and calisthenics. "no child left behind" is bullshit, instead of raising the level of all the students, it lowers standards and holds kids back.  Gifted, enriched and honors classes are nothing but good for fostering achievement and advancement, plus they keep smart kids from getting bored and getting into trouble. Remedial classes are great for helping kids who are struggling.  How the hell did it get this bad?! Common Core isn't much better. Yes, it is a good idea to have a standardized curriculum of sorts, so that we have a general assurance that kids in Vermont will learn the same stuff as kids in Alabama, but it still is so flawed. The original design and implementation was totally derailed when they got rid of the teachers who developed it in favor of the people who make and sell the standardized tests. How Effed up is that? the people who profit from the tests should NOT be in charge of what we teach! Alright, I'll get off my soap box...for now... heres a palette cleanser..

http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2015/07/fk-that-guided-meditation.html#.VZx_Hrrl5SE.facebook
       
           So, back to the octopus.  I just finished this bad boy. I started it in July of 2012, after a deeply emotional episode. It sat, static, a frantic background in emotional turmoil. For months. After I got pregnant, I new I wanted it to be an octopus, so i got into it. Little did I know the sheer magnitude of 750+ suction cups. Suffice it to say, I had to take a break from it again.  I had everything done, but it wasn't finished, you know? So every once in a while I would glare at it, staring back at me with that rectangular pupil.  As I said before, this summer has been great. I have had a burst of creative energy and it has been cathartic.  I finished the octopus, finally, and I feel it is complete. I like it too, so...there's that.

           

           I have also completed the first self portrait I have done in I don't know how many years.  I'm not a fan of doing them, but in light of my recent health issues, self-exploration and evaluation, I thought it would be good.  It didn't start out as a selfie, but I couldn't stop it once it started.

   Now, keep in mind that both of these are 3 feet by 4 feet. Thus, giant head.  I feel good about them both.  And, I am still flush with creative juju.  Until then, stay classy Burque.

       

Creativity: Awake!

this is one of the pieces I'm working on. just background at this point.  Im thinking about foreground, and i have a few ideas. it feels good to be working again.

So, it has been tough. it is hard to be creative on command. i have been able to have some time to myself to get some work done, but a whole lot of nothing happened, so i just stated sketching and doodling. it was crap. but i kept on keepin' on and eventually i noticed i kept seeing things in the clouds. you know, animals, buildings, creatures... it was then that i realized that i was getting some creative juices flowing. i also realized that i needed to listen to music, very loud music while i worked. it proved fruitful. i am currently working on three paintings and i feel good about them. i also feel better in general.  very cathartic. i have noticed that i am a bit melancholy and in a very "remember-y" mood.  I find myself thinking about the past, maybe three, four years ago. i hope that painting will release some of my angst and i can focus on the present and future perhaps. anyway, there it is.

Change Is Scary

             So, on Hallowen of 2011 I was driving home, hungover, from class after a long weekend of partying. It was evening, but still light out. I was on the phone with a good friend and I just wanted to relax when I got home. I started having a strange feeling, almost out of body type of experience. I felt like I was outside of myself, on my left shoulder, watching. Everything looked far away. I tried to tell my friend, but I had no words.  I couldn't speak. It was really strange. I thought I was just tired and kept going.
             The next thing I knew, I was outside of my car and very disoriented. There was a guy, Magnum P.I. To be exact, and he was telling me to stay calm and asking if I was ok. He said a lot of other stuff, but I was so confused that I didn't really pay attention. Mostly I was trying to reconcile why Magnum P.I. Was talking to me and why his hair was blonde, but his mustache dark brown. Slowly it started to sink in. I had a seizure, while driving, I hit a building. Magnum P.I. Was a paramedic, it was Halloween and he was in costume.  I got into the ambulance and called my husband. I told him what had happened and to meet me at the hospital.
          The rest of that evening was E.R. and nurses in costume. A fairy came and took my vitals, hooked me up to things and asked me questions. Jon came, and was worried, but happy I was alright. A neurologist came, and after 30 seconds perscribed me keppra (a powerful anti-seizure med). Then we left. I went home and was confused, I had never had a seizure before, what did it mean? I took the meds, but after two days, I knew there was something wrong. I felt like I did in the car, like everything was fake. I don't know what suicidal thoughts are normally, but I started thinking that if I were dead, everything would be better. I wasn't sad or upset about it. It was matter of fact. I knew this was wrong, so I called Jon and family for help. I stopped taking the medication and stayed with family for a couple of days. I saw my doctor, and everything seemed to be fine. I went back to my life.
           Six months passed and it was June. I was at home, on the phone. It was afternoon. I felt that weird feeling again. I know now that is an aura and it is a warning sign. I had trouble speaking, but got out the words "please come" and sat down. The next thing I know, I am walking out into my living room, I had changed my skirt, and my friends were there. I did not go to the ER, but I went to my doctor and decided that I was drinking a bit too much, and that could be the trigger.
           I quit drinking, and six months later got pregnant and had my beautiful baby girl. Everything was great for over two years. I had started drinking again, but not nearly as much as before. On December 27th at 1am I woke Jon up having a seizure. After going to the doctor again, I decided that any drinking was too much. After a month and a half of no drinking however, I had another one in my sleep on Feb 15th. I had been sleep deprived and stressed. I have seen two neurologists and have a new GP (who is the best of the lot). I have had a random high white blood cell count for a couple of years, and he has experience with infection and seizures. After the Feb seizure I started taking Gabapentin, which seemed to be working. Occasionally I would feel an aura in the past and this stopped those. I was given another medication, Lamictal, to start. I wanted to wean my daughter before I started taking it, so I hadn't started yet, and the new doctor and I agreed that if I didn't need to, then I shouldn't. So, I went back to my life, as much as I could. I started taking all kinds of vitamins and trying to relax and get more sleep (yeah, right. With a 20 month old). But I did as much as I could.
            One of the unfortunate things is that you can't drive, you have to be seizure free for six months. I understand this rule, but it still sucks.  I have been staying with my parents because Jon is out of town, and they drive me and watch the baby. I've gotten used to it, and I knew it wouldn't be  forever. I am an elementary teacher, and school is almost over. I went to work yesterday April 30th like any other day. I was almost halfway to six months and summer wouldn't be that bad. I decided to quit teaching with public school and focus on my art and raising my baby. I had just told my principal and was feeling good with my decision. I walked into a classroom to talk to a teacher and started getting an aura. I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't talk. I should have sat down. I walked out of the room and fell, like a ton of bricks, smashing my head and shoulder on the concrete floor. I woke up to everyone surrounding me, telling me I had a seizure and the paramedics were coming. SHIT.
             My mom came with the baby and followed us to the ER. Jon left production in Santa Fe on an Adam Sandler movie and met me at the ER. I got a CT scan to make sure my brain wasn't bleeding. We went home. I started taking the Lamictal and will have to wean my daughter at the same time. I have done research, and it looks like it's a low enough dose that she will be fine. I am going to get another EEG and see another neurologist. I can't drive until Halloween.
         I feel scared and defeated. I don't know what's wrong with me. The last for months have been hard, like really hard. My daughter has had Roseola, a horrible stomach bug, a cold, and another stomach bug (which I think is what triggered the seizure yesterday). I have been stressed, sleep deprived had a stomach bug, can't drive, staying with my parents and bumming rides like a teenager. My husband has been out of town for three months and I don't like my job. So much has changed and is changing in my life, and I just don't know how to deal with it all.  I have an awesome family and great friends, a loving and supportive husband and a brilliant adorable child. I still feel good about my recent career shift. I just have this gnawing feeling, this uncertainty. A feeling of complete loss of control. I don't know why I keep having seizures, no one does. I just have to try this and wait.

Day by Day

So, into the fall we go. I went back to work in August, my daughter turned 1 on the first day of school.  It has been an interesting adjustment to say the least.  I do love teaching.  Interacting and learning with the kids is amazing. I am feeling a little disconnected though. I am only part time, and it doesn't give me time to prep, or be as involved with my school community.  All of my time is spent in the moment, there is no time to reflect or prepare for anything really. When I get home, I have to be in the moment with my baby too. No time to get anything done outside of daily prep. Ugh. Change is the only constant. As we move into fall, the days shorten and there is more of a sense of urgency for some reason. Time is relative, and it seems to be speeding up.

Marilyn Monroe and rainy days

So, I watched "My Week With Marilyn" with Michelle Williams.  It is centered around the filming of "The Prince and the Showgirl" in England, and the connection she had with a young Brit (Eddie Redmayne) working on the film. Redmayne gives a sweet performance through the inevitable heartbreak as Icarus flying too close to the sun. The interesting thing about Marilyn is that she herself was a caricature. Her actual persona was larger than life, and anyone playing her has to walk the line of honest portrayal and over-the-top drag impersonation. Michelle Williams did a lovely job, though she focused on the fragile, self-conscious, psychoses riddled side of her.  Marilyn Monroe is one of those enigmatic creatures that has an effect on everyone, you want to know her, help her, be her friend, sleep with her, protect her. The film was well done, and it's unfortunate that Kenneth Branagh's Olivier was overshadowed, he always is excellent.  More so than anything it made me curious about Marilyn. I wanted to know how screwed up she was, was she screwed up, what she thought about her fame, what she was feeling. I guess that is the sign of a good biopic. It is strange to me that, even fifty years after her death, we are still so enamored with her.  She is both the epitome of sex and so innocent at the same time. I wonder if she didn't know exactly what she was doing. This film shows a self-conscious and doubting side of her that is often left out, and leaves me with a more human picture of an icon.

Sun and Sweat

It is officially summer, though if you live in the desert, summer started in April.  Time management has never been my strong suit. I tend to live in the moment and get caught up in whatever I am doing. I have made good use of my alarm on my phone and always have at least five reminders a day.  I have found though, that being a stay at home mom trashes any notion of a routine I might have. My life is ruled by a tiny person. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter, I love not having a rigorous schedule, I love being able to spend twenty minutes playing peekaboo. The issue I face is that the rest of the world is still on a schedule.  So how do I reconcile taking care of my baby and staying on a schedule? Many people have said to me, that's just how it goes, or you just make it work. Have we really become so callous to moms? Raising a child is hard work! I am not wallowing or saying boo hoo, however, the attitude is horrible.  Moms don't get enough credit, dammit! We are just supposed to suck it up, and deal. I keep reading blogs and posts about this sort of thing, and it seems to be a polarizing topic.  Either people are too sensitive or they are accused of being mean. Why can't we, as parents, come together as a team? Support one and other, rejoice in accomplishments and commiserate when frustrated? Just food for thought.