Entropy

2011-10-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

those who liquify the thoughts that trip off our minds,

you you who slip past us, unsusspectingly, thoughtless,

we fall so so so carefully, slowly, softly,

i hit the pavement with the force of all that has come before me

the wight of the world is on my shoulders

and yet all i want to do is throw a party

who am i to be the bearer of it all?

i am no one,

as are you

do not carry the weight

it is as light as feather

and as heavy as the sun

i love

i live

i am

we all grow like the endless weeds on the fence line

those who say we will fail

those who do not understand

those who dictate what we do

they are the problem

i do not obey you

you are not my deity

i do not have to answer to you

i only have to answer to myself

and the answer is

yes

time and tide wait for no man

2011-08-19T18:16:00.000-07:00

I must remember

remember the way you feel

remember the way you touch me

the way you look at me and the way you smell,

because someday it will be gone

it will be different

it will be gone

not entirely,

but this

this will be gone

lying in bed,

smiling, laughing

in your embrace

these past months have reminded me of what it is like

to be loved

i wish it would never end

i would spend an eternity entwined with you,

watching movies

listening to the rain stream off the porch

i must remember this,

because

this too shall pass

oh, those summer nights

2011-07-24T17:46:00.000-07:00

we have been in a drought for so long, this week has brought beautiful, big, fat, pancake drops to quench our thirst! i love it. i was sitting on the porch just watching the rain pool and slide off the roof. it was amazing. it took ten minutes to cool the air twenty degrees. i felt so full of love and calmness. i sat in the warm embrace of a kindred soul, drinking up the love that was given to me. i have had moments lately where and when i have been completely at peace. falling into a soft sweaty embrace, laughing till i can't think, all of this is much more meaningful that any professional development or training that i have ever had. the summer has brought so much more than heat, it has brought awakening, confusion, lust, and reflection. i dont know where i'm going, but i am having a blast getting there.

republican nominees

2011-07-01T00:31:00.000-07:00

michele bachmann is a crazy bitch, who has a very limited knowledge base, which she is using to gain popularity

2011-06-28T21:27:00.000-07:00

so, this is going to change... this is now the life of a teacher... a married teacher, in the suburbs. we are here. we are the products of the eighties. we are enlightened and have a voice.

i have a voice

this is my voice.

no one ever told me what it would be like to be an adult. period. no one had a sit down and tried, in any way, to rationally talk to me about growing up. it is crazy. i don't feel grown up. i am 31, and i do not feel like i am 31. what does that mean? first of all: THERE IS NO HAPPILY EVER AFTER. im sorry to break it to you. if you have a daughter do not feed her this fallacy. please. for the good of humanity, don't. i am not saying there is no happiness, quite the contrary. i am happy, and have been happy for most of my life, but i never thought a prince would come and save me. there is no prince. you are the only person who will ever save you. know that. life is beautiful and there is more out there for you than you could possibly imagine, but YOU are the only person that can make that happen.

belief

2011-04-24T00:29:00.000-07:00

i was just having a conversation about belief. he said, i don't believe in anything. I said that i didn't believe that he could not believe in anything... everyone believes in some thing... After a minute or so, he said that maybe he did believe in somethings, so, the question came about: what do you believe in? it is apt for the occasion, so... i believe in me. i believe in love. i believe in truth. i believe in life. i believe in the good of people. i believe you can fix it. i believe in rainbows. i believe in the healing power of laughter. i believe, this too shall pass. i believe it will all be ok. i believe there is something more. i believe in you. i believe that everything matters, however, you can never harm beyond repair. this is what i believe, how about you?

Gravity Pits and Other Unfortunate Stumblings

2010-12-04T14:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we get caught in a tornado. there we are, minding our own business, and some crazy outside factors conspire to change our lives. I feel like this is what has happened to me lately.

the sound of silence

2010-11-09T14:46:00.000-08:00

it is amazing how important silence is. there are many kinds of silence: awkward, pregnant, romantic, anticipatory, suspenseful, when you are alone, in a crowded room. my favorite is with one other person. not awkward, but satisfying. post coital. or the moment right before you wake up, alone or with someone. when you are both waking up and alternately looking at each other to try and catch them when they wake. we tend so often to think that we have to fill every moment with sound. when having a conversation, most people are just waiting for their turn to talk. we rarely listen to each other anymore.

i recently spent a morning in bed, just listening to the silence. falling in an out of sleep, and feeling my surroundings. the morning light casting a beam across the floor. its amazing how much more heightened your senses become if you aren't trying to fill the space with sound. i could feel the warmth of the body next to me, see him breathing. taking speech out of the equation opens up all of the other sounds we forget too. i could hear the dog in the living room, sniffing. its a lot like meditation or yoga. you become aware of your body. aware of the space you take up, and the sensations that you feel. i could feel my breath and hear his heart beat. the silence of that morning has made me think about taking time to relish in quietness.

the past months have brought a change in the world. our hemisphere is getting ready for sleep, and there seems to be more silence in the winter months. snow is an insulator, and for some reason, the cold sucks the sound as well as the breath out of you. quietly sitting, i listen to the sound of my pencil on the paper, and the brush on the canvas. a wet brush has a much different sound than a dry one. the scratch of the stylus on a board. these are the sounds of my trade. i get lost sounds. so many tiny noises that bring me joy. the sound of knuckles cracking, rain, a zipper, a deep breath or sigh.

sighs are like silence, they can mean so many things. taking a feeling and interpreting it into a visual representation is an amazing thing. how do you show the silence of post-coital bliss? or the sigh just before you say goodbye? sometimes my mind goes faster than my mouth, or my hands. i work hard to capture a moment in my work, but in the end everything is transient and impermanent. feelings are fleeting and change is the only constant. the beauty in art is being able to hold on to that moment and share it with others, to bring them into me for that instant, then let them go. if you could relive a smell, or sound, wouldn't you?

There's no telling where we're going, which direction we are blowing...

2010-10-14T17:43:00.000-07:00

This fall has brought many things with it. the cold, my new niece, intense learning and hectic schedules, just to mention some. I find myself thinking of something else though. i recently became frustrated because i hadn't completed any new work. i became trapped in the daily routine that is my life, and on a lark went to a friends birthday celebration and was reminded of the amazing connection that we have as humans.

the inevitable spiral of time

2010-07-10T13:30:00.000-07:00

so, it's july! what the crap! i know that i have been aware of time moving, and i have been present when it has happened, but now, all of the sudden it's like i'm watching my life in time-lapse! i can literally see people speeding past me, and the sun rising and falling at an alarming rate! the passage of time is now marked by weekly appointments and class assignments. i truly enjoy summer, but there is dome kind of something left over from childhood that makes me feel like i have to sleep 'til noon and watch as many movies as humanly possible! i can't live a normal life over the summer. being in education has really brought me back to the summer vacation. in college, i would work more over the summer because i didn't have class, but now i legitimately have summer off. weird! i have been using the time to work on my passion, i have gotten 6 pieces done so far. i also started teaching art classes in my home, which is cool. i am not doing nearly as much as i would like to though. my poor broken husband! he has had some terrible luck recently! he got bitten by a dog, threw his back out and broke his ankle in the matter of two months! he is resilient though and is healing really well. i feel bad for him, i can't imagine what it must have been like, and how frustrating it is for him. he is a healthy, active guy, and to be incapacitated for over a month must be torture! i know i need to be more sensitive to him, but i have a hard time with it. i have the opportunity to go out tonight, and i am not going to pass it up! i have homework and yoga, papers and chiropractors to see soon enough! peace!~

Mazel Tov!!!

2010-05-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

Mazel Mazel!!!

i love spring!! so much happens, people graduate, get married, have babies! new adventures start and the world is a beautiful new place!

technology and textbooks!

2010-04-04T17:19:00.000-07:00

I recently found out that texas produces most of the textbooks that we use in public schools. last month the state legislation passed new standards eliminating Thomas Jefferson, civil rights information and global politics. (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/13/texas-textbook-massacre-u_n_498003.html#slide_image)

now, so far, this is only the standards in texas, but since they are one of the publisher's biggest customer, the books are going out to the rest of the country. regardless of the standards, the books will be taught. total bullshit. this brings up an interesting point. texas has long had a reputation for being pro-american. now one of the great things about america is that we have freedom of information. we do not live in a totalitarian regime in which information is omitted and hidden as in some countries that we are fighting against. we do not, as a country, deny the holocaust, or say change the events leading us into the first world war or the korean war. we do not, as a country, bann our citizens from accessing the internet. however, doesn't omitting one of our founding fathers from the history books exemplify just that? think of how we feel when we hear that people in foreign countries do not have access to the things we do as americans. when we hear that the leader of a country dictates that the holocaust does not exist, (http://www.iranholocaustdenial.com/)
(http://www.washingtonpost.com/wpdyn/content/article/2005/12/14/AR2005121402403.html) (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/4527142.stm)
or that there will be no access to information outside of their borders, (http://www.businessweek.com/bwdaily/dnflash/jan2006/nf20060113_6735_db053.htm)
(http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/red/roundtable/internet.html)
this is the exact stuff that the people of texas have long been proud to rally against. so it would seem that texas has effectively put themselves in same category as these dictatorial regimes that exemplify all that we are fighting against. operation iraqi freedom anyone? how about operation american intelligence? we currently rank 18th in education among industrialized countries...
http://www.oecd.org/home/0,2987,en_2649_201185_1_1_1_1_1,00.html
http://www.upi.com/Top_News/2008/11/19/US-slipping-in-education-rankings/UPI-90221227104776/
do we really need to be cutting out information from our textbooks? whats next, a good old fashioned book burring? i'm sorry, i thought we lived in the 21st century.

a rose by any other name...

2010-03-14T19:48:00.000-07:00

rose, nam toe, s'est leve, stieg, e aumentato, levantou-se, se levanto. it still smells like a rose. god, a higher being, something else, someone else... something more. yahweh, allah, elohim, ishvara, achaman, deus, vishnu, krishna-vasudeva, dio, gott, dios, lord. the basic tenets are the same. i take inspiration from bill and ted: be excellent to each other. it is so simple, yet so difficult for some. karma. do unto others. don't covet thy neighbor's ass. we have lost sight of the allegory of religion. reasoning and literalism. metaphor people! how is a raven like a writing desk? much of philosophy is based on proving the existence of god. religion though is based on faith. our reasoning cannot prove that god exists any more than it can prove the existence of love. feelings can be boiled down to electrical impulses and binary functions of the brain, but not the outcome of those impulses. when you hear mozart, or britany spears, or led zeppelin, or keith urban you undoubtedly feel something. the song does not change, only our perception. each of these people, i am sure, illicits an emotional response. good, bad, what have you. yet there is no proof that any of these people should ellicit any emotional response.

why do we feel something when these images are put infront of us? what about logic? why did i pick that image of a rose? does it change what we believe?

the policy of truth

2010-03-13T17:34:00.000-08:00

it is officially spring break! my job and my classes line up and i have an actual week off! i am excited to get some work done. i started a painting last week and have not had any time to work on it what with report cards, parent/teacher conferences, and midterms...i am leaving for vegas on tues and have the goal to finish before we leave. i have been
drawing a lot of inspiration from pop-culture as of late. i saw some paintings a while back that were snapshots of iconic scenes from movies. such as ferris bueller. i thought this was great! now, i have never been one to coop ideas, but i have since not been able to find this artist, not any info. now, this got me thinking and i have been watching a lot of movies recently so... my new work is not so much replicas of a scene from the movie, but a moment that happened off camera. i like this idea of the characters having a life outside of the movie. so i have a painting based on the fisher king. the red knight, you know? i think the exploration of these characters and their identity is fascinating. what about ferris and cameron taking a road trip? what about inigo as the dread pirate roberts? did the dude win the bowling tournament? these are the questions people want answered. when acting, you become the character, any actor will tell you that they have some strange background story to create a history, or they came up with a conclusion that happened after the credits. there are a lot of these type of art pieces around, it has become this surreal "other" reality with characters in various different activities... Brandon Bird does this effectively, but i feel that his work is largely absurd. in this pic, ian mckellan, as magneto, is covered with gerbils. not to say it isn't a great painting, but i think there could be something else. so, now i have the red knight and the cosmos and it is good. so back to honesty, and the policy of truth. as it turns out jon and i have been the unwitting participants in stolen goods transfer... we bought a macbook from e-bay recently, after about a week it died. jon took it to the apple store to get it checked out, it was under warranty so they said they could fix it, however the hard drive was 60 gigs and all they had was 160 gigs. i thought this was our lucky day because they gave it to us for free! well, on his way home he got a call from apple corporate, this guy tells him that the computer was stolen from a shipment in california, and wanted to know where we got it. jon gave him all of the info h had, e-mails, paypal info, shipping and tracking numbers, etc. this guy was so impressed by jon's honesty that he told the apple store to hook us up and fix the laptop! this situation is totally interesting because they could have just kept the stolen merchandise. so now we have a sweet up-graded computer and might have helped catch a criminal. so, believe in the policy of truth! that is all.

spring is in the air..

2010-03-07T15:39:00.000-08:00

so, we are a week from spring break! i have parent-teacher conferences this week and i was a little freaked out, but feel ok now. i speake to the parents pretty often, and i know where the kids are and what is gong on and i feel pretty good. my sister is 26 weeks pregnant and doing well, although she is on house arrest for the time being. we are going to visit her next week and it will be great! i am working on two pieces, one is a scratch board and one is a painting inspired by "the fisher king". i really feel good. i was having a hard time, but i came home and shut everything off, put on my ipod and started painting. my grandmother just had her 90th birthday! it is amazing, she is still sharp and active, i love her! we also got our new door! we have a custom, one of a kind mahogany door! it is beautiful! i am very happy to have it, and the value of our house just went up! i am very excited about the summer, can't wait to have tiem in the house and to do my work! peace!

edjumication!

2010-01-19T18:07:00.000-08:00

well, it is a new year, a new house and a new job! i have settled into my new job, as a third grade special ed teacher, very interesting! kids are kool!! my classroom is all set up and we have plunged into the routine right off the bat! routine is sooooo important! i have started clesses at cnm as well, and that is different. the classes are set up for people who already have a degree, so we hit the ground running! the philosophy is: you are an adult, you are taking this for a reason, get it done! so it is nice. the house is going through growing pains, and already we have repairs and fixes...annoying in a way, but cool because i get to make it mine. i satred a painting in the bathroom...trees and vines. working and studying A LOT!! well, that is all for now. i will post pics of the mural... be well.

It's all happening!

2009-11-24T18:58:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been a CRAZY month! we moved into the house...it is great! I love it! I have my own studio finally!!! still a little surreal, and not completely settled, but great! i even started working on some new work. Jon's episodes are starting to air, and that is really awesome, to see him on screen is really neat! But here is the big news.... in a whirlwind of action, i am now a teacher and i start on monday after thanksgiving!! it is truly amazing. i knew i wanted to go back to school and get my teaching license, but i thought it would take a while to get a job, even with the internship (which basically means i would teach as i was going to school) but to my amazement i got my application into cnm, got accepted, and recieved a job offer at the school at which i already work! what a strange turn of events! we we are hosting turkey day at our new house, and i have to sign my new contract tomorrow! i am a little overwhelmed to say the least!

Home Owners!

2009-10-21T18:24:00.001-07:00

well, it happened! we signed the papers today, we are officially home owners. moving this weekend, and getting psyched! got all the stuff hooked up, so we will have heat, and electricity! i have taken to journaling, and have to transcribe a whole bunch of stuff, but for now... this will have to do. i spent some time on set with Jon, and have many thoughts regarding film and television production. It is very interesting to think about the amount of planning and artifice that goes into making something seem real and non-artificial...food for thought. i don't even know what i feel about the house, we have been gearing up for this for about two years and i am so used to being where i am, that it really hasn't hit me yet. i think next week, when i can come home and veg out at MY HOME it will be good. i can't wait to set up my studio!

There's no business like it

2009-10-11T17:41:00.000-07:00

people who work in film are a special breed. everyone knows at least one actor...they are their own thing all together. but i think the whole film industry attracts a certain personality. i have been going to wrap parties with jon for a while now, and they always seemed a little strange. i don't work with the people and often i feel like it is an opportunity for jon to schmooze and hang out and i just stay in the background. last night, though, was great. i finally know enough people to have fun and converse comfortably. there were also way more actors there, which was neat! i get star struck which is one of many reasons why i can't work in film. our attitude was different going in too, just to have fun, not necessarily network, but it ended up happening anyway. i really feel like it is a great chance for me to network also. it is hard work with long hours, and i can understand why they want to let loose when they get a chance. there is a lot of drama, and most everyone has to be the canter of attention, but i think that is human nature. even i want to be the center, i have that in me ;) it is always fun when an actor is enamoured of me ;) Glenn Gulia likes my laugh

Internal Combustion

2009-10-09T00:11:00.000-07:00

well, i have finally figured out flickr! what an arduous task! when building a network of multi-media representations of oneself there are a lot of applications one has to sync together! so now i have four emai addresses! none of which can i forward or merge together wit any of the others, but i need in order to make the applications work! personal, work, website and now yahoo for flickr! and i have a facebook page! i think i have gotten it all rounded up though, so really i just have to check the personal and the website! ugh! food for thought, how many different social networking tools does one person need?! but i digress... this week has been jam-packed full of happenings and information! first i close on the house in two weeks! (hope) if nothing goes wrong i will finally have MY OWN STUDIO!!! i have not had a suitable studio since college! sneaking my easel out into the living room, making sure not to get paint on the burber carpet, or waiting until the weather is decent enough to go out on the patio is just not cutting it! the process of getting all of my supplies out, set up, comfortable and working for x amount of hours, only to then have to pack it all up back into the garage is enough to sap the inspiration right out of me! i am master to the whims of the muse, not what time everyone gets home from work. no offence, i am eternally greateful to have had a place to live rent free for the last three years, but it is creatively stifling. so that is great! i don't even remember what i own, it has been so long! i guess if i have made it this long without, do i really need any of it at all? i mean, i know some stuff will come in handy such as furniture and cookware, but i know my porcelain doll collection is just creepy! so the studio is a must, not to mention having one's own space! good things, mazel! ps, i'm going to be an aunt!

four letter words

2009-10-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

so, yet again my ass has been kicked by my older sister ;) sometimes you need that. it's pointless to have a blog if you don't use it, so... i changed up the layout and added a bunch of gadgets! Fall is upon us! i just spent three days in Taos at a wool festival! i didn't even know they had wool festivals, but i guess it is not surprising. there are festivals for just about anything and woolis actually a commodity, that you can make shit with, so... Wool people are interesting to say the least. there is this big SCA Ren Fair vibe, and A LOT of pan flute, but the shawls are amazing! textile art, or cloth making (not sure what to call it) is a medium i just can't get into myself, but boy, i can appreciate the skilz! it was an arty weekend all around. i met a great artist who ons a gallery in taos and he was fab! the artist vibe is alive and well, though kind of beaten down by the economy. i have to get an etsy store!

real estate madness!

2009-09-06T17:37:00.000-07:00

so, it has been a while...
school has started, and it is very interesting getting back into the swing of things! the kids are great, but still on vacation mentally. this is my first fall semester and it is good to start at the begining of the year. i am feeling a little lost though, i know it will take a while to get into a routine and figure out how to best reach each kid, but it is hard! jon and i are still looking for a house, and it is a hell of a job! we have now put in an offer on our third house and we are trying to stay calm and patient, but it is difficult to be emotionless and let it happen. you don't want to get attached, but you have to feel something if you are going to be living in this house for years. people do some crazy stuff to their houses, stuff that makes no sense...strange additions and weird rooms. we are hoping for the best, but ready for the worst!

2009-07-05T21:03:00.000-07:00

so, summer blockbusters aye? well what we have is a whole lot of sequels. what is up? for the past oh, say five years mainstream american movies have been in a dry spell...(well technically it has been a lot longer than five years, but eh) so far we have terminator, batman, transformers, night at the museum, indiana jones, ice age, x-men, star trek...not to mention the remakes like fun with dick and jane, mr and mrs smith, effing land of the lost!!! good grief!! i mean every so oftern there is a glimmer of light and we have something new, but that quickly becomes the next new thing and is used and abused until we cant stand it anymore! i know for a fact that there are still amazing, brilliant ideas out there, but the general public has such a marginalized idea of what entertainment is that they will gobble up regurgitated crap for eons! we will also shell out handfulls of money to see the same movie (mall cop, observe and report) or a trend in movies...vampires anyone?? how about teen pregnancy?

Spring Time For Hitler, and Germany...

2009-04-05T15:13:00.000-07:00

I have come out of hibernation! we have a new president! and i fell great! even though the econome is in the shitter, i am optomistic! i left a child (my art gallery) it was an ugly break-up, but i have moved on, and have gone out on my own again to beat down the world of galleries! So, spring is upon us! so many things going on, new job, break-ups, connections etc. I find it hard to keep things in perspective. I am in a transitional moment and all i can think of is the result. i have been having dreams about our house...well soon to be house, well the idea of the house that we haven't seriously started looking for because we are "saving the down payment and the "buffer" six month expenses 'just in case' fund and i don't want to fall in love with a place we can't afford or is sold out from under us"- house. but i keep having dreams about gardening, and decorating and building a studio, and having PARTIES! God i love parties, i am the best hostess! i love to socialize and have people in my home, i can't wait to be able to have people over again!

2009-01-08T16:09:00.000-08:00

so...fuck it. i am sick of power hungry, petty, controlling, venomous assholes. i have poured my heart and soul into something and these thieves have no regard for anyone other than themselves. if others choose not to see the conniving tactics, then i just feel sorry for them. i hate being misunderstood. i hate being the bad guy, but what can i do? i can just be honest. it sickens me whrn people try to intimidate others, to throw their weight around and use fear to get what they want. who the #^$% do they think they are?!?!

we no more, i will not surround myself with that kind of negativity. i have spent so much time compromising and giving in to others demands and ideas, and im done

October Suprise

2008-10-30T22:25:00.000-07:00

so we are now five days from the election. i am so drained, between political rants and heated debates with vurtually everyone i know, non-stop watching every political pundit on every cable channel, reading and re-reading every tangential piece of political op-ed, youtube video and blog i can find, my brain has shut off. it is like cramming for a final, after a while i just can't retain any new info. i love this country and i am so happy that everyone has become so involved, that we have such a charged debate raging across this land hopefully all in pursuit of a better future. it is so important that we continue to pusue our greatest potential. i see what is happening on a large scale and it really does make me excited. i think our awareness is growing, i hope. personally though, the microcosm that is my life seems, i dont know, small. i look at the way everyone's live intertwine and merge, and i wonder what my place is. i have a harder time making descisions. i am a very descisive person, and i have an opinion about everything, but i can't seem to get enough steam to really take off. something holds me back...it's most likely myself. i just feel blah when it comes to my personal choices. what to eat, what to watch if i watch anything, where to go, if i should go out. if i'm alone do my choices count? ofcourse they do, but who does it affect other than me? why can't i stick to a work out routine? i am all over the place. i don;t think i know how to be alone. i want to be happy by myself, but if no one is around i have no one to connect with. i'm not saying i don't like being alone, but i really enjoy others. essentially does what i do matter? i see things in the future: house, yard, kids, studio, but i never know how to get there. these things don't just happen, you have to make them happen. if you are taking a test and you get done before everyone else, you sit and wait until it's time to move on to the next section. you look around, out the window, start doodling, daydreaming, and before you know it everyone else is halfway through the next section. do you hurriedly get though to catch-up? i don't know, life isn't a test, but sometimes it feels that way. travel abroad...check. find a spouse..check. get a degree...check. grow up...check. now i'm supposed to get a job, buy a house, have a baby, get a 401k, stop smoking, lose weight, get rich, have more babies, retire, and die. i hate it. i know there is no 'supposed to' but it is incredibly hard to believe that when so much of what we're told is in opposition of that. why can't the point be just to be happy? and if that is the point, why is it so hard? i just want to make art that people like and that says something. i just want to have enough money to be comfortable. i just want to love and be loved.
i want, like this country, to reach my potential.

summer is upon us

2008-05-31T21:34:00.000-07:00

so, the thought occured to me that no matter how far i have come, or think i've come, there is so much more out there. every once in a while something will happen that shakes you to your core. sometimes it will be something sudden, or a series of sudden events. sometimes it can be a slow build giving you false enlightenment, then humbling you immediately after. i feel like i am on an edge, and i can't see what's on the other side. i need to release my inhibitions and worries and just go with my gut. i think it is difficult to reconsile my heart and my head sometimes. it is always better when i have an outlet. inevitably these shifts mark a huge change in my life. the prospects for buying a house, and having a studio are looking up. if all of us can get through this change that is beginning. we do live in interesting times, if nothing else. the simultanious level of awareness and ignorance in the world right now is staggering. my confidence has been shot as of late. i think self absorbtion is to blame, once my neuroses are triggered, without an outlet, i unravel. it really is quite a catharsis, the build and release. ultimately i do it to myself, but i supppose i enjoy it ;) the changing of the seasons always brings change in life, i find myself in a very important moment, and that being a part of what is going on in the world, is very significant. i think we have to make some very difficult descisions, as a nation, and i find myself for the first time wanting to be partiotic. i want to be proud of our country and be a positive influence on it. well, that was a lot i had to get out... i always have to remind myself, "just paint what you like", if i did that from the begining i wouldn't have to go through this everytime. i think i know what my next series will be... sweet

head in the clouds, feet on the ground

2008-04-21T21:04:00.000-07:00

well, about a month ago my husband and i went out to europe for two weeks to see my brother who is studying in rome. my parents went a week before us and we met them there, they left and my sister and her husband joined us. it was absolutely amazing! we were in rome for 9 days, then we took a night train to bern switzerland where we took a day trip to gruyere to see the giger museum, then to amsterdam for two days! it was a whirlwind tour, and the last few days are kind of a blur, but my god was it fabulous! we saw so much, the city of rome is beautiful, there were buildings over 2000 years old next to a night club. everything was a lot closer together and smaller. the streets were like alleys, and the cars were tiny. i miss it already, and coming back the bigest "culture shock" is how far away everything is from itself. i really miss living in a city where you can walk anywhere you need to go. i still haven't sifted through all the information. i have gotten a new sense of motivation though, and i like that. i have joined a new non-profit called the wooden cow, and i am very excited about it. it looks like we are going to be a major part of the community. i feel good, and i want to make a difference. i think i am finally a part of groups that are going to make something happen!

should i stay, or should i go...

2008-02-28T18:22:00.000-08:00

i have always been a social person. i was the girl who would make it a personal goal to introduce myself to every person at a function, and i do mean every person. so i find it kind of odd that i have opted to stay home and watch jane goodall, or bones instead of joining my friends for libations. it's not that i don't want to see them, i just can't muster enthusiasm to be around others. i suppose i have had to learn to like my own company since my hubby has been in and out for weeks at a time, but i have always used that time as a way to hang out just with friends. i miss the light-hearted hang-outs of yore. we used to just be able to get together, drink, laugh, now it always feels strained. everyone with their busy lives. i was told that i can be too clingy, and that sort of thing sticks with you, however, now that i have let go there is no one out there to let go of. i dunno, i miss having a regular group. i ahve wasted too much time and energy trying to be friends with people who don't return the favor, i want my friends to like me and like spending time with me, i surely do them. eh, fuck 'em.

money money money

2008-02-24T21:57:00.000-08:00

so i had a show last night at La Iglesia, the new building we are using for the Albuquerque Arts Consortium. The AAC is a non profit organization i have become involved with whos goal is to offer arts education to the albq community at low to no cost. We are just getting off the ground and this party/show last night was a way to introduce us to the community. I sold two pieces! it was great, i was not expecting it, my show will be up for a month, so i thought it would take a while to generate business, but this was awesome! i feel great, a little elated and it is always kinda sad to see a piece go... but what am i trying to do here!? anyway i just feel great about it and it is giving me a renewed sense of acomplishment; and motivation.

black holes and revelations

2008-02-15T00:22:00.000-08:00

I came across some poems, and thought about writing again... it's been a while, i thought i would post them

he killed the eel to feel the pill
steal the quill that fuels the fire
a flock of found feathers flew
through the thickest thicket
thought of you yellow and yawning
youth yammered on an ocean of organs
open to total autonomy
treachery treads lightly to deal with dominatrix
deadly deals were dealt to the left
listen to long loud laughs light up the moon
must I move motionless and mindlessly melting?
magnificent

YOU LOOK THROUGH
SCRATCHED LENSES
AT MY PERFECTION
NOT SEEING THE REASON
MY TONGUE IS TIED
AND FORCIBLY, I REMOVE MYSELF
FROM THE ROOM

find the flawless feature that eludes most
open my eyes to the thought of you
a sideways glance that says too much
you stop yourself and I feel incriminated
all that I can’t say spills out through my eyes
and I have to look away
thoughts thought through thinking things
so much is understood
with out having to say it
I threw you the obvious, sings Maynard
and it makes me think
you will never know
you say things you shouldn’t
I think things I shouldn’t
I want things I shouldn’t

listlessly waiting for the truth to lead me
patience is a virtue I do not possess
wanting everything
all at once
traveling through
a stained glass world and finding a circular past
motionless I stand at a gate
forbidden
you taunt me from the other side
wanting to fade into arms
and legs
an ocean of flesh
too much is a good thing
ecstasy and agony arrive with you
joining us on a passion high

Through the fog of the scent
Of nag champa or patchouli
I see you, not the you that other people see,
But the real you
The you they write novels about
The you they make speeches about
This could be about two people
This is about two people
About two people I can’t get enough of
Both you and you
The ones who enter my brain and won’t leave
The ones who invade my thoughts and
Dreams
The two who make me beautiful

New year, still hurdling towards oblivion!

2008-01-06T21:22:00.000-08:00

well, this is my first post of the new year. i have a positive outlook, lots going on. opportunites abound! definately time to work. i haven't completed a new piece in months! i have had a lot going on, but that is no excuse, i have to get my shit in gear!

2007-11-26T23:34:00.000-08:00

so, i go from not being abe to sleep, to emmense amounts of crazy intense, vivid dreams! i have had at least three separate vivid dreams within the last week. one: has been about a christmas journey. this dream consists of benign x-mas related things; finding and cutting down a tree, doing the normal x-mas thing, garlands, ornaments, that wierd box that no one remembers packing, but has somehow ended up in the obligatory "X-MAS 04" box scrawled in sharpie, that you haven't seen for years. the odd box, with the strange ornament that you made in fourth grade, (by today's standards, would have landed you squarely in special ed) kind of ornament. You smell that rank, cotton ball-ey should have been thrown-out-with-the-rotten-trash-kind-of-smell. AHHH, that's X-mass kind of smell. So, getting back on track, i have been having those kind of dreams... i dreamt that it was my high school reunion. one of our activities was going to a cirque du soleil show. while there i saw rachael brown, who i have't thought about years, there. we talked, like any strange happening, and went on our ways; upon reflection, i think my interpritation of the dream is more important than the dream itself.
Next i had a "stranded in a car over-night" dream about one of my male friends. it was very vivid. we were caught in a snow storm. supplies were limited. we could not afford to waste gas on heat so we had to provide our own! his scruffly face pressed to my bossom was not enough to satify the urge that lurked within... you can use your imagination to fill in the rest, sufficit to say i need to get back to the easel! all of this energy should be better weell spent!

some things come from nothing

2007-11-11T12:05:00.000-08:00

i have had a better time sleeping, my dreams have been very odd though. i had a zombie dream the other night. my family and i were trapped in a gas station. we sent out a beacon, and some of my friends arrived, the gas station turned into a big house, kind of like a model home, well, someone drove a van through the house, and our safety was compromised, so we had to run. we had a pretty good group, and we left in a caravan of sorts. we drove to a hotel with a parking garage, and what seemed to be a bunch of freeway on-ramps that lead to the hotel. it had a large plot of land behind it, on a sort of bluff, or cliff. my friends, who recently got married in real life, had not gotten married yet, and "today" was their wedding day, so in a strange frantic ceremony, we had to have their wedding on this bluff before the zombies got us... it gets kind of fuzzy after that. the next night i had a bunch of strange dreams in which i had missing limbs. i wasn't scared, or upset by these dreams, in fact they were interesting and warrant reflection. i started a new piece, pastels and i cut my hair. i still have this unsettled feeling, and i am in a way happy that this year is nearly over. it has been memorable, that's for sure. challenging. i like my new piece, it's very calm though, not at all reflecting my state of mind right now. i have found that if i am calm, my work is loud and kind of disturbing, but if i am restless, my work is collected. odd. it is pretty balanced though i guess.

sleep aids

2007-11-01T17:56:00.000-07:00

been having trouble sleeping lately... not really sure why. i have embarked on a new chapter in my artistic career, and it is very interesting, time comsuming but exciting. i have started making greeting cards with prints of my work. it is going well and i like the quality. i really like to branch out and this is a new venture for me. i don't really know anyone else in my position, so i am kind of learning as i go. i have not been working on anything new in a number of months, it feels strange, but i have been so focused on the business aspect that it hasn't been as bad as when i have taken a break before. i went out to vegas earlier this month and made a lot of progress. i really liked the artists i met, and i feel confident about setting up shop for the first fridays. it is going to take a lot of work, which i am up for, however, i still have this nagging feeling of waiting. i want to be there now, because i feel that the distance and solitary lifestyle will really help. the seclusion is something i have thought about a lot. i will be away from family, friends, familiar places and routines, all of which i am fine with. being away from jon, my husband, is what i have had trouble with. i think it will be productive, but i don't know what i will feel after a month, or two. i have never had a problem with independence, i know i will be fine, i have never been great with change though. my work is constantly changing, getting better and evolving so i'm sure this will change it again. so i've been having trouble sleeping.

healing

2007-08-07T18:52:00.001-07:00

so i felt better today, i am working on a new piece, it follows the sunflower/ galaxy work, some examples of this are at http://CaitlinGPadilla.imagekind.com/, if anyone reads this and is curious. i talked to my friends about forgiveness and healing. i think those are important. i can only learn if i can forgive myself, anyway... moving on

The human condition

2007-08-05T23:58:00.000-07:00

So this is my blog, sending this out into the great unknown... I have a strange feeling, this is a diary, something personal of mine for everyone else. I am an artist, and my personal thoughts have been out for the world to see for some time now, but never as concrete as a written account. the term "the human condition" is never used to describe something positive, it is only when we have shown our flawed humanity that we label it a condition. why? i have been having a difficult time, i have lost myself. i don't come from a broken home, or a tortured past, all of the torturing has come from myself. my art has always served as a way for me to communicate, to connect, to be something. i don't know what it means, but i am on this journey to find out. i have been in denial, of myself, of what it means to be me. i have let my life run on auto pilot, and i don't like where it has gone. i am ready, and my art has helped my figure out what i am ready for. this is beginning to sound trite, i don't know, maybe i should think of this really as my diary. i have kept diaries throughout my life, but somehow this feels like a soapbox. i find it hard to come right out and say what i feel. my thoughts become so jumbled when i try to write them down. i feel much more free when i paint or draw, the thoughts come into focus and i am articulate. when i create all of the bullshit stops, and for that time when i am lost in the work i am more myself than any other time. i have just graduated from college, after spending nine years on and off, but i don't feel any more accomplished. i feel lost, like all of the sudden i got off a plane in a foreign country with no knowledge of culture or language or even a map. how am i so unprepared? the only thing i know how to do is make art.